Member Story Update – Cesar Ayala

cesar photo

I have been training Cesar since the start of September 2016. Always a pleasure to train and is consistent and committed and has been this way since we started my job is to give him the best possible opportunity to get as fit, healthy and strong and help him along with his weight loss along the way. He is a talented writer and can put in words what I mean and want to come across from our training at the gym. He has written an update on his story below, so please read on.

I can’t climb walls

We are now in that time of the year when all our social media start to get absolutely full of videos of people achieving things, photos of sunrises with Paulo Coelho texts and motivating speeches about how important is to triumph in whatever you are doing.

I won’t be surprised if someone ends posting their pets doing the CrossFit Open or something like that. Or someone escalates some competition so little Billy in the hospital can do it by just raising his hand and everybody goes “OMG such hero!”

Everybody is achieving their best and yet, here I am. Unable to climb walls.

We live in a time were not even trying is better than failing, a world where nobody is willing to take risks. You only show others your best, never the times when you weren’t good enough. You’ll share your happiest moments, your achievements but never the cold feeling of disappointment that comes from failing.

And yet, I love that feeling. I look towards it. I want it.

Winning is easy. You don’t judge yourself when you win. You don’t rethink the decisions you’ve made. You don’t feel the need to become better, to learn, to improve, so the next time, through grinded teeth and clenched fists, you’ll be able to triumph.

That’s what I like from failing. Failure humbles you, shows you the cold truth, it’s the eye opener that you need to see where you really are. It’s the only moment when you can stop being the person you are, and really try to become the one you want to be.

Sometimes you don’t deserve failing. You gave everything, you went way beyond your limits and still… It wasn’t enough. You are not good enough. You still cannot climb the wall.

Everybody is scared of failing. Some people are so scared that they will never try anything just to avoid it. And that’s exactly why you need to go towards it.

Failing means you tried. Failing means you wanted something. Failing means you accepted the chance of failure and yet you went for it. Failing means you tried even when you weren’t sure of the result. Failing makes you better than those that not even tried; the ones that chose to not know the answer. You wanted to climb the wall, so much, so absolutely much that you were ready to endure the feelings that come with knowing that right now, you can’t.

Only cowards fight when they are sure of victory. You will share your victories with the many, but only a few will know your failures.

So embrace it. Embrace the failure, learn from it, and accept the cold, the tears, the rage and the pain that comes with it.

Failure is honest. Failure will be a part of you all your life, until the day you die, and that’s why you need to learn to accept your failures. Do not deny your failures, they are a part of you, denying them is denying yourself. You are right here, right now in part of because of your failures. What you do with your failures is up to you, but don’t hide yourself from them.

In fact, you need to become better at failing. Keep failing, day after day, until you are so good at failing, that nobody can see that you are failing, and then, just then, move towards the next failure.

Also, failure gives you the chance to live one of the best moments you can have in life. Rising up.

Only when you are down you can rise up. Only then you’ll know what are you made of. Only in that exact moment, when everything screams you to stop, only then you will find yourself rising up. Trying again. You don’t know if you will be able to do it this time, but you can’t stop yourself. You have to rise, one more time, and many other times after that.

Only when your back is on the floor and you are looking to the ceiling or when you are on your knees looking to the floor, only then you’ll find the answer you are looking for. The one that makes it worthy, that gives it meaning. That is the moment when you know for sure that you are not going to stop. Maybe you will just do 1 more rep, or add 1 kilo or just advance 1 inch, or try again tomorrow, but you will do it. Will that be enough to finally climb the wall? You do not know, but now you need to find the answer again, so you will get up, catch a little of your breath and without saying anything, you will go again.

You obtain certainty. The absolute understanding that there will be no failure. The result will not matter, what is sure is that you will not fail. Whatever you do, it will be your victory, your triumph, your vindication.

There’s a word in Italian, “Fiero”. It usually means proud, but also has other meaning and is the absolutely feeling of triumph you obtain when you achieve an unexpected victory against overwhelming odds. And you can only achieve that when you risk failure, only in that exact moment, when everything is nearly its end, only then you will find yourself going forward.

Only then you will be able not to climb the wall, but to tear it down. Only then you will finally understand that you do not have to climb the wall, because then, you would have it behind you, meaning that you did not defeat the wall, you just avoided it. You need to tear it down, destroy it, and with its bricks and stones, build the road you will use to walk towards your future.

Our stories are not the stories of winners surrounded by thousands of persons screaming our names, there’s not a gold medal waiting for us or a world champion title, nor riches nor eternal glory. That’s not meant for us.

Our stories are stories of cold mornings and dark evenings, of the rugged feel of the barbell in our hands, the weight of the kettlebell in our chests, the smooth feel of the sledge and the dryness of the chalk in our hands. Of soreness after waking up and showers way too warm. Of trying. Of putting ourselves goals that we do not know if we will be able to achieve, but not letting that to stop us. Of always wondering if we were good enough.

Our stories will not be told to the many, but enjoyed by the few. We carry them with us, they are a part of us, and they belong to us.

So it does not matter if they are stories of failures. Be proud of them, remember them and learn from them, because only in them, you will not find yourself, you will discover your better self.

 

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